Bon voyage….we’ll see about that.

fyimypeople

150 – 200 feet……the approximate length of an aircraft. A telephone booth……the size of the restrooms on board. There’s enough room in first class for lounge chairs and line dancing but the rest of us have to poop standing up. One nasty fart in such a small space would make the average person suffocate. Not to mention, there’s no blaming anyone else, you open the door and the next person in line is staring you in the eyes…….hellllooooo….awkward.

What I’m really saying is this, travel is often stressful and uncomfortable too. That’s why I hate walking by those in first class, warm towels on their foreheads and goblets of champagne. They look so smug, just sitting there, as you shlep by, loaded up with carry on bags like pack mule. Then, just as the flight prepares for take off, an attendant yanks that curtain across the isle so we can’t…

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Bon voyage….we’ll see about that.

150 – 200 feet……the approximate length of an aircraft. A telephone booth……the size of the restrooms on board. There’s enough room in first class for lounge chairs and line dancing but the rest of us have to poop standing up. One nasty fart in such a small space would make the average person suffocate. Not to mention, there’s no blaming anyone else, you open the door and the next person in line is staring you in the eyes…….hellllooooo….awkward.

What I’m really saying is this, travel is often stressful and uncomfortable too. That’s why I hate walking by those in first class, warm towels on their foreheads and goblets of champagne. They look so smug, just sitting there, as you shlep by, loaded up with carry on bags like a pack mule. Then, just as the flight prepares for take off, an attendant yanks that curtain across the isle so we can’t see what else goes on up there. Meanwhile, back in steerage, they serve us “snacks”. On a recent flight I was served half a can of apple juice and a small package of peanuts. The label on the peanut bag read “BBQ PEANUTS, CONVENIENT FUN SIZE”. There were six nuts inside and it wasn’t “fun”. I can choke down six peanuts pretty quickly and quite frankly all I want is….more………….

– Mary, did you try the peanuts?…These peanuts are soooo much FUN !! All six of them……The first one made me giggle and by the time I got to number six, I was out of control!

– No I haven’t darling. I read the package and I’m saving mine until you’re done. We can’t both be off the hook at the same time. I’m still savoring my apple juice though, all three ounces………

All the stuff that used to be free now costs extra, including seat selection. If I gotta select my seat and often pay extra, I want to know who’s sitting beside me! I want a bio and photograph, just like a dating service. That way I can choose a little more carefully and if I screw up, it’s my fault. On the last flight the guy beside must have had an oyster caught in his throat, he hacked and snorted for hours. He was wearing earphones and probably didn’t realize how loud he was. It sounded like I was at the zoo.

I noticed some strange things in the airport too. First of all, I go pee about 25 times pre-flight. I try to avoid the restrooms on board. (see above) Now I always thought that one particular urinal, the one that’s lower than the others, was for guys who needed a little more….hang space….apparently not. It wasn’t until this past trip that I sensed a lot of commotion behind me as I relieved myself. Upon turning my head, I noticed a long line of young boys directly behind me doing the “I gotta pee” dance. Suddenly I felt like the Pied Piper (Google it if you have to)……not good……Anyway,if you ever think your job stinks, remember this, there’s a guy working in the restroom at the airport. This guy has probably seen everything…..heard and smelled it too. Yup, he greeted me each of the 25 times I entered, as if each visit was the first.(he should have told me about the low urinal thing) He had a bowl of mints, cologne and some other trinkets. There was a tip jar too. Listen, I’ve already tipped about ten people between my front door and the airport. I can guarantee you this, if you expect a tip doing bathroom work, there’s only a couple tasks you could perform and guess what, we’re not going there. What a shitty job. I bet he really gets pissed off.(too easy) At any rate, I don’t want to shop in a bathroom. I usually pretty simple…….#1 or #2. I realize everyone needs to work but I have my bases covered, and if I don’t,it’s probably embarrassing and I’m not telling. If the guy calls me over and says, “Hey pal, you’ve got a bat in your cave (visible booger) I’ll throw him a couple bucks. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Shoeshine guy? Who shines shoes anymore and who gets it done at the airport. That has to be one of the more pompous things a fella could do. You climb up on some throne like chair while some old dude who hasn’t had a good day in thirty years hobbles around and polishes your loafers. You’re probably the guy from First Class with the warm towel. Have the flight attendant shine your shoes after they pull the curtain.

You can’t bring liquid into the boarding area. They’re serious too. That’s why we have to walk through those machines in our underwear. We have to do follow the rules so we don’t get fined. However, the guy who operates the store in the airport can can bring in cases of water and charge $5.00 a bottle. He should be fined ! How’d he get all his crap inside? Talk about price fixing, what’s a thirsty person to do? It’s kind of like selling life jackets on the Titanic, who’s gonna barter. (Beer’s a different story, it’s worth whatever they’re charging.)

Food for Thought

Knock yourself out Bambi, I’m having the cheeseburger!

BambiI saw a couple of deer recently, similar to the one above.   They were laying on the side of the road. They weren’t dead, just emaciated and out of energy.  I’m gonna tell you why too…..they’re hungry and we’re eating all their food!! What’s going on with all this healthy lifestyle BS?   Half the food in the grocery store these days looks like something raked up from the forest floor.  I’ve been eating so many greens, my ears are two inches longer and I can’t stop hopping. There’s a huge push to eat better,live longer etc. You know, make healthy choices…blah, blah mother freakin blah.  I don’t need the details, just feed me please.

You know there’s a problem when pet food starts to look better than people food. We’re now devouring what the animals used to eat and they’re snacking on our stuff.  I was half way through a bag of “Bacon Treats” before I realized it was for dogs.  WTF, the bacon treats come in a bright, flashy bag and look great. The human snacks look like the bottom of my lawnmower and come packaged in brown sacs made of recycled newspaper….go figure.  I bought a box of “healthy” cereal last week.  Gee whiz, it’s no wonder a person can’t lose a few pounds, that crap is HEAVY!  All natural ingredients was the claim on the box, nothing but roots, berries and “nature’s best offerings”. How the hell could a box of goodness weigh so much?  I suspect  “natures best offerings” includes rocks.  Maybe that’s what makes it so filling.    The stuff tasted great going in but was torture coming out.  Conclusion, it’s difficult to lead a healthy, active lifestyle when you can’t get off the toilet!

Listen, I’m not stupid. When I’m pulling up to the drive thru, I know I’ve chosen convenience over quality. I know the pimply faced kid at the window is about to toss me a bag of food that will sit in my gut like a brick. Why do I continue to do this? Well, because it tastes great, that’s why! I don’t want fake alternatives either. Every company out there tries to create products that “are just like the real thing”, but they never quite get it. Let’s be honest, when you accept the alternative, it’s a compromise. It’s a mental game, convince yourself the tofu tastes like prime rib…..yeah right. The only winner in this scenario is the cow. What about chips? When I buy chips, I want chips, a great big bag of salty, greasy chips made from potatoes. Don’t give me hemp, flax seed, soy doodles or any of that crap. I want chips.  (FYI, sweet potato chips are acceptable)……

…..”OMG Biff !! Try these BBQ chips, there just like the real thing”
…..”That’s not likely Bunny, they’re made from tree bark. It looks like a bag of mulch. I’ve been throwing these things like this in the garden since Christ was a cowboy and all of a sudden somebody has an idea……lets make chips. This is bullshit sweetheart, it’s tree bark with BBQ spice. If a fella sprinkled enough of that spice on anything it’s gonna be a reasonable facsimile of a potato chip. It’s not a potato chip, It’s a wood chip. It’s compost with spice.

I’m almost 52 and for the majority of my life, nobody ever told me I needed to drink more water than the average fish. This leads me to bottled water??!! What a marketing ploy.  It’s more expensive than gas! Well that only stands to reason I guess.  Apparently it’ s made from shards of thousand year old, frozen water carefully chiseled off icebergs by Eskimos.  What did we do before we carried bottles of water everywhere? I can’t remember and that’s because…….. we did nothing and there’s nothing to remember! We didn’t have the insatiable need for water that seems to exist today. Like dusty, dehydrated camels, we managed to stumble from one oasis to another before we had to replenish the fluid in our humps. First oasis was home, second oasis was the nasty, white porcelain drinking fountain at school. The ones with luke warm water and so little pressure you had to fasten your lips to the spout to suck out a sip. What’s next? I can see the ad already……

“Tired of carrying your water around?  Does that pesky water bottle get in the way while texting?  Not anymore!! Now you can get your H2O in a convenient I.V. drip”.  But wait,  that’s not all!!  Too much water and no time to pee?  Order  before midnight and we’ll include the Catheter attachment at no extra charge! That’s right, drink all day with no more potty breaks.”

So please, when you see my fat ass laying on the side of the road, I’m not out of energy. I’m dead. I died a dehydrated, happy man, on my way to the pizzeria for a midnight snack.

Signs, signs everywhere there’s signs….

I hate being late and leaving at the last minute is always a bad idea. The knot grows in the pit of your stomach as you grip the steering wheel so tightly it seems like your fingers are going explode. As usual, the person driving the car ahead of you can barely see over the dashboard !!!???…. Oh shit, it’s one of those geriatric drivers, the one’s that maintain a speed just under the limit and need about two miles of empty road before they’ll turn right on a red light…….. Rage builds as you look at your watch but the truth is, there’s really a simple fix to all this,…….leave earlier…….yeah right!

Just yesterday I was on my way to work and I needed to stop and get some beer for later that evening. I was running a little behind so I passed the old bugger in front of me, after all, I had an agenda! ( I often wonder what these people think when EVERYBODY passes them??? They’re either indignant or they don’t even notice since they can’t see over the dashboard…..I digress) Anyway, as luck would have it, the low fuel warning bell started to ding!!! Shit, I didn’t plan for the slow driver, beer AND gas……… As I arrive at work, just in time, the pent up road rage dissipates and all is well…….mission mostly accomplished.

Work ends, and as I head to my friends house, I pop open one of the beers in my six pack. After all, this is gonna be a long walk. Yes, I chose beer over gas…….sometimes the questions are complicated but the answers are simple. It’s  also funny what you notice when you’re walking alone, sipping a brew from a paper bag, no pressure……time to take in the little things you never really pay attention to. On this particular day, it was street signs. There sure are a lot of them! A few caught my attention and as usual, made me wonder…..hmmm…..  There’s one that said Blind Child Area.  I guess that means if the kids playing on the street, don’t flash your hi-beams, toot your  horn.  Another sign indicated Deaf Child Area.  I suppose that means flash your hi-beams but don’t toot the horn.  And finally, the generic people signs……..the ones that look like glorified stick people on steroids.  Who’s the genius who was paid a fortune to design these fellas?

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No faces, necks, feet or hands yet they appear to be pretty agile, not to mention all over town.  I’m not buying it though and it’s quite frankly,  misleading.

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For instance, what’s this?  Mr. Smarty Pants is out for ride on his horse and next thing you know, he goes for a tumble.

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Horseback riding without feet has it’s drawbacks.  Establishing one’s position with no feet in the stirrups is a challenge and can lead to mishaps.  Just sayin’……and, this is just the tip of the iceberg!  As seen here, the John Wayne fell off his pony,  lost his noggin and his twin brother was forced to chase after it.

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If you think it’s hard to ride a horse without feet, try running after your brothers head!

Now I’m the first to give people credit.  As you’ll see in the photos, these people aren’t lazy, they’re just stupid.  I was quite surprised at the diverse nature of their talents and the depth of they’re stupidity.

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Just look at this guy, digging into a pile of whatever it is.  There should be a rule.  No hands,  no feet, no dig.  Someone else should have to dig.  That’s the new rule.

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So now, shovel guy drives the tractor and tractor guy, who appears to have a neck and hands gets to shovel.

Here’s an older one, as the “Senior” label indicates.  He’s probably20150214_123812_resized on his way to the mall for a speed walk.  If you’ve never seen it, it’s a morning ritual before the stores open……arms swinging, Velcro laced shoes……quite a sight.

And last but not least, this old timer.  The one that has to be reminded he’s not the only person trying to get 20150214_123956_resizedfrom point A to point B.  By the way, I’m pretty sure this is the guy who was in front of me on my way to work.

Don’t be a Luddite….please.

Did you ever notice old men wear shoes that are too big. It’s true, there’s usually about an inch between their heels and the back of the shoes. That’s why they always shuffle around. It’s not becasue they’re fragile, it’s because their shoes don’t fit. Of course it’s also possible the Velcro laces from one shoe get’s stuck to the other or something like that.   I don’t actually know but they sure shuffle around a lot.  What I do know is this, you’re 86 years old…..don’t buy shoes you’re expecting to grow in to.

You might wonder where I made this observation. It was at the bank where all the old bastards congregate to flirt with the tellers and pay ALL their bills. The problem is this, these days there’s ten old guys in front of me and only two tellers.  Of course they want to talk about everything too, the least of which is banking.  Chat is for the coffee shop.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg and just when you think he’s done, the old bugger wants to update his bank book!!!!! BANK BOOK……who uses those anymore???

Apparently everyone with sloppy shoes does! And, why does this this fella still do this? Well from what I hear, he doesn’t    “do”    computers. Well aren’t you a rebel.   You’re a bucking the system, fighting the man type of person. I’ve got a request for you, STOP…….please.   Computers are here for good, there’s no going back. History doesn’t lie amigo and you should know. You’re so old you’ve seen everything twice. Let’s review what we know for sure.

Cavemen used to scratch shit on the wall to get their points across. That was a great idea but you had to invite people over to your cave to show them your stuff. Before you knew it, you were preparing the kill of the day, setting more places at the dinner table etc…..just not worth it, they never reciprocated, arrived empty handed and didn’t know when to leave. Did you ever see the Flinstones over at the Rubble’s place?  Point made.

What came next? Tablets, that’s what! Remember the ten commandments? You no longer had to bring folks over to your cave to show them your wall. You could actually scratch it on a portable, flat rock and take it to their cave. That worked for a while but those things were heavy and if they fell off the donkey, they cracked.

As they say, necessity is the mother of invention,hence, the Dead Sea Scrolls. What a concept, write your stuff on a rolledup piece of light weight fabric and take it anywhere. Do you see what I mean, things evolve and  times change!

These are the same people who make every debit transaction seem like a first…..kind of like landing on the moon. Have you ever been in line behind this guy?

1- Insert card backwards.

2- Put reading glasses on and try to remember PIN.

3- Slowly punch pin pad as if defusing a bomb, while covering pin pad with entire torso so nobody steals your code.

4- Never quite comprehend when the transaction is complete. (Every time they actually complete a transaction, they feel like a magician.)

5- Finally, complete transaction, put debit card away and ask, “can I get cash back?”

Listen, shit changes and we have to keep up with stuff. (unless your Amish, they realized they didn’t want to walk everywhere and agreed to ride around in buggies. Somehow they became stuck there and missed this big car thing. Obviously cars, like computers, were just a flash in the pan)

People used to poop outside in a little shack too. You don’t see ANYBODY requesting that when designing their homes do you?………

Mr. Smith the Luddite – “I’d like the hardwood floors throughout the first floor, granite counter tops and six inch baseboards. And oh yeah, we’re going to enlarge the master bedroom.”

Builder – “I’m sorry Mr. Smith, the design doesn’t allow for a larger bedroom. You see, that wall you want to bump out is actually the bathroom.”

Mr.Smith the Luddite – “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I not mention we’re eliminating the bathroom? I don’t    “do”    bathrooms, we’d like an outhouse.”

That’s all. I actually like old folks and I’m just teasing. According to everyone in my cave, I’m becoming one myself. At any rate, I have to go, I’m going to buy tickets for the movies tonight before they sell out. I know I can buy them on line but I don’t trust computers.

Keepin’ it real……

This blogs may not be suitable for all people.  Read at your own risk. 

Marketing folks have a way of appealing to what we want to believe.  It really makes me wonder, how stupid are we?  Companies market products meant to appeal to everybody but employ models that represent almost nobody. Before you buy a product, look at the model on the package, that ain’t you. There’s a guy on the front of a particular product I’ve seen.  Actually, I’m not even sure if it’s underwear or socks.  One thing’s for sure, if it’s underwear they’re selling, they’ve included a pair of socks because this guy appears to have one stuffed in the front of his briefs.  And the six pack sculpted abdomen, c’mon…….I’m almost 52 years old and I don’t have abs…….I have one ab and it’s called my stomach.  Put some real people on the package and make the majority of your customers feel normal.  This should be the rule, the person depicted on the front of a product should correspond with the size of what’s inside.  If it’s a size XXXL, don’t use the same 175 pound muscular fella from the Medium package on the front…..use a photo of the fat guy that’s actually buying it. That’s honest and more accurate.

It’s amazing what we’ll con ourselves into believing.  Take a trip to the local gym in January and you’ll see what I mean.  New members running around like hamsters on a wheel, snacking on roots and berries and wearing clothes they worked out in from 1990.  They bought into the dream, all you have to do is eat well, drink lots of water, live at the gym and you’ll look like the chic on that home fitness infomercial…….I’m thinking not so much.  It’s just what we do, take something old and put a new spin on it. It’s just an old idea but it’s been a while so it’s time to be respun.

What about these women on daytime TV, preaching the benefits of skin care and pushing techniques to promote beauty.  Really ladies, your faces are the result of some secret potion made of sheep shit from Peru???  I don’t think so!  You’re faces have been pulled back so tightly your nostrils are eye sockets and you have to put deodorant on your cheeks.  And, feminine hygiene products……??????. Apparently if you use brand X, you can do anything from sky diving to horse back riding while you’ve got your period…..Good to know, you never did that crap before but you’re bound to  be really pleasant trying to fold your parachute during the most miserable week of your month.  And the features they offer…..slim, soft glide etc, listen, they’re probably all built to fit, more or less, so if you’re using a shoehorn to install tampons, you’re probably doing it wrong.  Just read the instructions.

Who came up with the idea of selling ripped jeans with holes everywhere at a higher price? You make a pair of pants, partially destroy them and they’re worth more. If holes make articles of clothing more valuable, my underwear must be priceless. That’s a guy thing though and by the way, so are condoms.  Who buys size “Large” condoms???  This has to be the best marketing ploy ever.  All guys want to believe they need the “Large” size condom…….”Sorry baby, it’s not happening tonight. I can’t squeeze into this regular condom, I usually take a large.”…….. I say BULLSHIT !!   I’ve seen regular condoms put over shower heads and filled with water til they hit the floor.  If you can’t muscle your way into a regular size, you need to find your dates at the zoo.  Condoms are good though, kind of like taking a bath with your socks on, but better to be safe.

I opt out.

As they say, it’s funny how things change? The other night my son complained because the network he was watching on TV actually had commercials. It made me think about how things have changed over the years. There were three remotes, a laptop, a cell phone and unlimited options within his reach.  If he hadn’t been laying on the couch with a blanket, I would of thought he was working for Space Program. The world was at his fingertips, choices were endless…..and quite frankly, that’s the problem. I didn’t want to sound like one of those old farts, “I used to walk to school, three feet of snow, uphill, both directions,” you know the story, so I kept my mouth shut. As usual, it’s a moments like this that instigate a blog.

Choices, there’s too many and I don’t like it!  Life used to be so simple. I remember shopping for a TV with my parents and the choices we had to consider……..Maple or Oak.  Huh???…..yes junior, the TV was in a wooden box and you could choose the colour.  No, not the colour of the picture as it relates to your viewing pleasure, the hue of the wood. The colour of the picture was called black and white……DONE.  Oh yeah, the TV had to match the stereo too, it also came in a wooden box and played records. And, the only remote back then was the closest person to the TV…..and sometimes, if Dad wanted the channel changed, it didn’t matter who was closest.

We had about 7 channels to choose from, you knew all the shows and when they came on. You also knew when they ended….around 2:00 AM. Yup, they’d play the national anthem, changed over to a test pattern with annoying sound, lights out…… and bedtime.  Choices at that point….none. You didn’t have to text anybody, look up anything on the intergoogler or worry about things. You now had an eight hour window when you were actually at rest, off the grid.   None of this 24/7, uber efficient thinking, I like to do groceries at 2:00 AM because the store is almost empty choices to make. It was called nighty night……tuck your hairy ass into the fart sac for a few hours and rest. And by the way, if it happened to be Saturday night, the groceries would be done on Monday when the store opened again.

For those of you who are younger, there was also a time when you actually had to answer the phone too. Yup, you rolled the dice and took your chances because we didn’t have call display. If you were expecting more than one person to call and didn’t really want to talk to one of them, you still had to answer. (That was not totally bad as it fostered creativity and enabled us to create fibs on the spur of the moment.) There were no special ring tones, voice mail, call forward etc….zip, zero, nada….it was a telephone not a secretary.

Everything is overwhelming these days, they even tell me the cheapest time to do my laundry. I’m NOT planning my day around electricity prices…..don’t make me remember that too! It’s no wonder old people get forgetful, their brains explode from all the crap they’ve had to mentally organize for 70 years…….”brain to body…..brain to body….come in…..do you copy?……..yes brain, go ahead……..listen body, I’m frazzled and I’m done up here, you’ve been operating for 70 years now, put yourself on auto pilot, my job is done…..over and out!

Do unto others…..before they do unto you.

A small percentage of the population create most of the problems, leaving us to wonder how they make it through the day.  The answer is obvious, their skin is as thick as the hide on an elephant’s ass and they allow nobody to get under it. (Under the elephants skin I mean, not the ass.  Never stand under an elephants ass.)

Sometimes I envy those folks, their ability to plow through life without regard to consequences . It’s a fleeting thought though, once you find yourself on the wrong end of their disregard.  There’s a “balance” to be adhered to in order for the “common good” model to thrive.  Those who believe their needs are more important than mine, or yours for that matter, are self centered and a pain in the ass.  They take the shortest route to get to where they want to be at any cost, usually my cost or yours…….balance….schmalance….  So, please see below and learn,

Don’t steal the plastic baskets at the supermarket.  They’re not yours, we all use them, so don’t take them home.  What do you need the basket for anyway, storing all the sugar packets and hotel soaps you’ve pilfered over the years?  Remember, if the supermarket no longer has baskets and you’re carrying one while shopping, they know you’re the thief…..just saying.

Put your shopping cart in the cart coral.  Someone was kind enough to leave their buggy resting on my car the other day, just in case I needed one. Thanks….but I’m already in the store.

If you waited in line for a service, completed your transaction, left the building and noticed a mistake, too bad. You do not get a free pass to rush back inside, wind back the hands of time and interrupt what I’m doing. Your issue has nothing to do with me. And, just because you say to me, ” I was just here a minute ago and blah, blah, blah…..” I don’t care. Telling me why you’re butting in front of me is NOT asking my permission to interrupt. You’re assuming you’re needs are more important than mine.

Your kids are priceless…….to you. Others could probably arrive at a defined value depending on how they behave and therefore, values fluctuate. We all want what’s best for kids. Not just YOUR kids. Remember, if your kids win, other kids lose. That is OK, just don’t believe yours should always win. Losing once in a while builds character and your kids are definitely characters so I’m sure you’re aware of this.

Please stop talking on your cell phone while dealing with people in front of you. You’re there, they’re there, you started the transaction so finish the human transaction you’ve already begun. Even in this era, it’s polite and often necessary to communicate with the person in front of you. They might actually have something to say or ask requiring “real time” interaction. Everyone knows a person of your ilk is very important, in demand and spread thin. If you could just spare another thirty seconds, I’m sure the person in front of you will do their best to get out of your hair.

Finally, don’t assume I’m stupid and I won’t assume you’re a presumptuous….choose an appropriate cuss word……I’m not a mind reader and if I was, your mind would be a short read. Just because you’ve had all weekend to get wound up about something, I wasn’t thinking about it and therefore, I’m not prepared for your tirade. Please remember to use a filter before spewing your pent up venom. That way you might get my attention and if you’re correct, you might get what you want.

You know who you are…..and sometimes, so do we…..

Germs…….I don’t know what’s happened to us but apparently people are much more aware of germs these days.  I don’t know why, nothing’s changed that I’m aware of.  Judging by the portable hand sanitizers out there though, we’re getting to be what I like to call……..goofy.  I don’t know how we managed in the old days but it seems everywhere we turn, there’s a little oasis of sanitizer staring us in the face.  God forbid it’s empty……leaving one feel…….well……..dirty……..”I’d better put some on.  I can’t remember where I’ve been and I don’t know what I might encounter but I better sanitize myself and be prepared.   After all, it MUST be there for a reason, right?”  Is there some type of outbreak going on here I’m unaware of?  Actually, it’s just a lack of common sense and some people are pretty nasty.

Nothing is worse than bathroom nasty!  Following a few simple rules will help though.  That’s why we see those signs, “All employees must wash hands”…..NO SHIT SHERLOCK, it’s common sense!  Even a cat knows how to use a litter box!  Of course people never think their personal germs are actually germy……. “I only went pee, I don’t have to wash my hands.”  Well here’s a newsflash Einstein, if we’re at the same party and you’re preparing my food or you’re gonna stick your fat fingers in the chip bowl when you leave the bathroom, wash your filthy hands.  It’s people like you that break the bathroom cleanliness chain.  All it takes is one dirty beast to break the code, the rules your mother taught you, and spread germs……one weak link!

You’ll notice most new public bathrooms are now built without doors.  That’s to accommodate normal people like me, from non hand washers like…….you know who you are.  These bathrooms usually a long hallway with a dogleg type of bend to prevent folks from peeking inside.  This way you don’t have to touch the dreaded doorknob or try to open it with an elbow, also raising a question. Why is it OK to open the door with an elbow but not a hand?  Can’t these germs harm the elbow?  What if they infect an elbow and the elbow has to be removed?  An arm with no elbow isn’t worth much.  If you don’t believe me, try scratching your nose without bending your elbow.  See what I mean, it’s better to sacrifice the hand….I digress…..

Those automatic soap dispensers and faucets, aren’t they a challenge?  More often than not you stand there, get a dollop of soap and no water.  Or, you get a blast of water and no soap.  This usually has us performing awkward movements trying to activate one sensor or another, all the while trying not to be noticed.  Inevitability, it doesn’t function, you move to the next available sink and carry on.  Of course the next person to approach the very sink that had you with a handful of soap and no water, has complete success. Go figure!!???

Ah yes, what about these brain surgeons……the people who wrap the toilet seat with paper………C’mon people!!  Do you really believe gift wrapping the seat in some low end, single ply toilet paper is going to afford some sort of barrier between your stanky ass and whatever germs were left by the last heathen that sat there?  Really?  Please rethink this and if you still insist on doing this, would you please PICK UP the paper when you’re done?  Don’t leave strands of paper all over the floor and dangling from the seat into the water.

Hand drying can be an issue too. Unless the restroom is equipped with one of those hand dryers that sound like a hovercraft in the Everglades, you have to use the wet and nasty paper towel dispenser.  Let’s face it, you never want to touch anything in a bathroom that’s already wet……yikes, that is just gross.  To avoid this, there is another option, cross your arms and dry your hands in the armpits of your shirt. Left hand, right armpit, right hand,left armpit.  It works and you touch nothing.

As mentioned before, all this would be for nothing if everyone washed their hands.  It’s so simple, enter bathroom, do your thing, wash your hands, dry your hands and leave.  If you follow these steps, all’s good.  Surgeons began scrubbing before surgeries when they noticed all the patients were croaking from infection.  So, unless you’re trying to knock off those closest to you, wash your hands.  You’re a germy beast, I’m a germy beast, we’re all germy beasts so let’s work together.  By the way, if after all this, you still find your hands are slimy and stink, you may have used the armpit drying technique. Buy deodorant immediately.

It could always be worse…..

I just got a prompt from Facebook to post my personal  “It’s been a great year!  Thanks for being part of it.”  How about some options please, a little latitude on the title options……I probably would have ticked off a box other than “great”.  I might have gone for mediocre, confusing, stressful, tiring perhaps ……but great, not so much.

I know, I know, people always say……you gotta think positive or you gotta a have a positive attitude. Thanks for the insight Rockefeller but I’m here to say I am POSITIVE I would not have checked off the GREAT box. The guy with $500 shoes might check off the GREAT box.  Let’s face it, after him it all comes down to perspective because, he has none.  The guy with $100 shoes is happier than the guy with socks, he’s better off than the barefoot guy, who’s miles ahead than the guy with one foot, who trumps the fella with no legs…….Now a guy with no lower torso might be happier than a guy with one foot.  How could that be possible?  Well, from the perspective of the “no lower torso guy”, the guy one foot still has to spend money on two shoes, he can only wear one and has to get around by hopping……..As you can see, it’s all perspective.

When someone asks us how we’re doing, we’re supposed to say, “Well thanks for asking Bob, I’m GREAT !”  You see, if you begin your reply with the word “terrible”, it changes everything.  Bob will  get uncomfortable, listen for just long enough to prove to himself he’s WAY better off than you are, bolstering his perspective and affirming his level off happiness.  After that, he mentally checks out of the conversation and labels you a whiner…….”blah, blah, blah…..what a whiner!  That guy needs to pull up his socks!”………”Excuse me BOB !….I just told you I’m the “no lower torso guy, I have no socks to pull up!”  You see, Bob stopped listening  a long time ago.

The Bob type conversation usually ends when he uses the standard, I’ve run out of things to say and I gotta go line………….”Well, it could always be worse, you need to be grateful for what you have.”  Thanks Bob, that is heart warming and I feel better now.  I guess the message is this, set the bar very low and you’ll never be disappointed.  If you have a can of soup, but no can opener, you still have a paper weight.  If you’ve got a pair of socks but no feet, you’ve got thumb-less mittens or a couple of very plain puppets……

Lesson to be learned while navel gazing……. how much did you pay for your shoes?